Solomon's Mind

Some of the best jokes in the land here lads, have fun.

Before the Merseyside Derby begins, Rafa walks into the changing room to talk to his team. He sees Stevie, Jamie et al sitting around looking a bit glum. "What's up?" he asks. "Well boss," says Stevie, we know its the derby and all, but we just can't get ourselves bothered about the match. We've beaten Everton so many times it's gotten boring." Rafa looks at the team and tells them "If you all feel that way, you can go down to the pub, I'll take on the blueshite by myself."

So Rafa walks out onto the Anfield pitch to play Everton single-handedly while the team go off to have a few beers. After a while someone wonders how Rafa is getting on so the lads ask the barman to turn on the teletext. They see the live result 'Liverpool 1 Everton 0 (Benitez 10 min')' and a huge cheer goes up. Rafa's beating Everton by himself! They resume their drinking and the game is forgotten until Didi remembers to check the score at the end of the match. The scoreline now reads 'Liverpool 1 Everton 1 (Cahill 90 min')'. The lads don't mind however, as Liverpool is sitting proud at the top of the table and a draw is enough to get Everton relegated.

So in a merry mood the team returns to Anfield and go into the changing room to congratulate Rafa. "Good work boss, you managed to get a draw all by yourself!" says Xabi. Rafa, who is sitting on a bench with his head in his hands, looks up. "No no, Xabi, I let you down, I let the team down." "You're talking rubbish boss, you got a draw all by yourself and they only managed to score in the last minute of extra-time!" says Jamie. "No, Jamie, I have let all of you down. I got sent off after 12 minutes."

*****

A man arrives at the gates of heaven, where St Peter greets him and says, "Before I can let you enter I must ask you what you have done in your life that was particularly good." The man racks his brains for a few minutes and then admits to St Peter that he hasn't done anything particularly good in his life. "Well," says St Peter, "have you done anything particularly brave in your life?" "Yes, I have," replies the man proudly. St Peter asks the man to give an account of his bravery. So the man explains, "I was refereeing a championship decider between Rangers and Celtic at the Ibrox. The score was nil-nil and there was only one more minute of play to go in the second half when I awarded a penalty against Rangers at the home end." "Yes," responded St Peter, "I agree that was a real act of bravery. Can you perhaps tell me when this took place?" "Certainly," the man replied, "about three minutes ago."

*****

Kenny Dalglish, Alex Ferguson, and Arsene Wenger were on a boat crossing a huge lake. Suddenly a storm blows up and buffets the boat, causing it to leak. It's clear that the boat is going to sink. Arsene Wenger, being the smart man that he is, knows that there are a series of stepping stones hidden under the water and he uses them to get to shore. He sees Kenny Dalglish getting out of the boat and also crossing the lake to safety. However Alex Ferguson remains on board and sinks beneath the waves, never to be seen again. Back on shore a dripping Wenger walks over to the exhausted King Kenny. "Why didn't Fergie get off, didn't he know about the stepping stones?" Dalglish looks at Wenger. "Stepping stones? What stepping stones?"

*****

Gary and Phil Neville are in a pub garden with their dog, having a beer. After a while a man comes out of the pub, lifts the dogs tail and looks hard at its arse. Eventually he goes back in. Gary and Phil thought it was weird but carried on drinking. After a few minutes another man comes out and checks the dog's arse, even feeling around to make really sure. When a third man came out to do the same thing Gary has enough and shouts at him "Oi, why is everyone so interested in my dog's rear end?" The man replies "Well there's a Scouser in the pub who told everyone there's a dog in the garden with two arseholes."

*****

A Scouser dies and goes to heaven. On his first day he's shown around heaven with all its wonders and meets all his childhood heroes. He sings a duet with John Lennon, talks politics with Churchill and has a romantic dance with Marilyn Monroe. Eventually while walking around he comes across a football field and sees Robbie Fowler scoring a goal for a celestial Liverpool in front of thousands of fans. The Scouser is a little surprised and asks a passing angel. "Isn't that Robbie Fowler? When did he die?" "Oh, that isn't Fowler," says the angel. "That's God Himself, He just likes to play for His favourite club when He isn't watching them."

*****

A man and his son are watching the news together when a reporter announces that a set of Da Vinci paintings have recently been sold for 20 million pounds. The son asks "Is it worth the money, dad?" The father, being a little surprised at his son's interest in fine art, replies "I suppose so son, why do you ask?" "Oh nothing dad," the son says, "it's just that Chelsea paid 25 million for Didier Drogba and he's absolute shite."

*****

Two Sunderland fans are fed up of their team and go fishing instead. After a long day one of them checks his watch, thinks for a while and tells his friend "Sunderland have lost again." His friend is astounded. "How can you know that just by checking your watch?" "Easy," the first man says, "the match should have ended by now."

*****

Steve Bruce is walking into St. Andrews when a robber accosts him, waving a gun and demanding money. Bruce throws himself at the robber, but falls and knocks himself out on the ground. The robber flees. A bunch of Birmingham fans carry the wounded manager to a nearby Coca-Cola factory where a van is available to take him to hospital. Suddenly, Steve opens his eyes and grabs the arm of the nearest man. "What happened? Where are we?" The man tries to reassure him, "We're in the Coca-Cola-" Steve Bruce cuts him off with a horrified yell. "Goodness me, has the season ended already?"

*****

This just in, Newcastle United are under investigation for tax fraud. Apparently they've been claiming money for silver polish for the past fifty years.

*****

Mick McCarthy is wheeling his shopping trolley across the carpark lot when he sees an old lady struggling under the weight of two huge bags. Taking pity on her he walks over. "Can you manage, dear?" The old woman looks suspiciously at him. "Not on your life Mick, you got us into the relegation zone and now you sort it out yourself."

*****

A Celtic-supporting van driver liked to scare any passing Rangers fans he saw swaggering down the street by swerving as if to hit them and at the last minute swerve back onto the road. One day when he was driving along he saw an old priest thumbing for a ride by the roadside. He thought he'd do a good deed and help out a man of the cloth, so he asked the priest to get in.

"Where are you off to, Father?" "I'm going to give Mass at the St. Michael church, it's about four miles down the road." "Well get in, and I'll give you a lift" says the Celtic fan. The happy priest gets in and they set off. Suddenly the driver caught sight of Graeme Souness walking on the pavement and he couldn't believe his luck. He swerved close to Souness, but remembering the priest beside him, hastily turned back onto the road. However he heard a loud 'THUMP!' and checked his rearview mirror. He sees Souness lying motionless on the pavement. The priest, noticing him, spoke up. "What are you looking for, my son?" "Oh nothing Father, I nearly hit Graeme Souness just now and I was just trying to see if he's alright." "No need to worry, son," replies the priest, "I got the bastard hard with the door!"

*****

A Scouser walks into an antique shop and spots an ornamental gold rat. He thinks it would make a nice gift for his daughter and asks the shopkeeper for the price. "50 pounds" says the man. "Fifty pounds, that's ridiculous. Why is it so expensive?" "It's more than just an ornament. For fifty more pounds I'll tell you the story behind it." The Scouser considers, but just buys the golden rat. As he walks out of the shop and down the street, a rat comes up from a gutter and follows him. He walks faster, and more rats follow until the whole street is covered in them. The Scouser runs to a cliff and throws the golden rat over the edge and all the rats follow, plunging to their deaths. He returns to the shop and the shopkeeper says "Ah, I'll guess you're back to hear the story of the golden rat then?" "Forget the story. Have you got a golden ornamental Everton fan?"

*****

Finn Solomon 11:07 PM

PROFILE

Sulaiman Daud a.k.a. Finn Solomon a.k.a. Dark Solomon, emo boy.

Liverpool FC die-hard. Rafael Benitez is my master.

Arts Student of Tampines College

Fortunate member of the best academic class in Singapore- 06A05

Reporter for the TODAY Newspaper

Fairly liberal Muslim

Technophobe

Quite possibly the biggest Stephen King/Terry Pratchett fanatic in the world

Lover of classic rock- The Beatles, Guns N' Roses, The Who, Led Zeppelin and AC/DCtag

Gemini- This might explain the days when I am insufferably moody. And also the days when I am wildly optimistic.

Dragon- The Chinese Zodiac is intriguingly accurate in its assessment of my character.

Shares a special bond with a special girl from Texas, an amazing woman in Madrid, the erudite psycho of Tampines, an amusing Egyptian and the classy rock lady in Canada, a great friend from the Phillipines, a lovely lass from Venezuela, another one in Sheffield, and the coolest of dudes from Miami, Minnesota and London.

If for some reason any of you are reading this, you know who you are. Thanks.